A Galatians 5 Husband

There are so many things going on in my life right now that it is almost impossible to wrap my mind around everything. But in the midst of this storm that has suddenly turned into a tornado, I am choosing to focus on the positive. (More like forcing myself to do so.)

Ray. And the tremendous blessing he is in my life. I am so amazed that God has blessed me with him.

When we first started dating, I set down the ground rule that he was in charge of being the spiritual leader in our relationship. I knew Biblically what that should consist of, but I had no idea of what it was  going to look like. Which is why I am constantly awestruck at God's work in my soon-to-be husband.

Ray's church was going through a series on the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. It was a taught as sort of a self-check to see if there is evidence of God's work in you.

Ray is a man of all of these characteristics and more.

For those of you who don't know, we made the decision to have his youngest brother Lelan move down with us to attend Carbondale high school (Go Terriers!). And for some unknown reason, we have received tremendous, tremendous amounts of grief over it. But that's another story.

Positive. Stay positive.

What I have learned from the short time we have had Lelan with us is not only the how much of a Godly man my fiancé is, but also what a leader he is. I have been so blessed to watch him talk with Lelan, read the Bible with him, encourage him, support him, and guide him. Speaking from his 85 + years of wisdom (or so he thinks he has), Ray paints for Lelan a picture that is bigger than the south side of Chicago. And for me, I am blessed with a small snapshot of our life to come.

Ray is someone who continues to surprise me as more of his heart is revealed. His love for others, the joy he finds in all situations, the peace he clings to in the midst of trials, the abundance of patience he daily (more like hourly) shows to me, the kindness he exhibits to all those with whom he comes into contact, the goodness of his heart, his faithfulness not only to our family but to Christ as well, the gentleness he shows as he cares for me in my moments of true brokenness, and the self-control he has when situations do not go as planned.

Ray truly is a Galatians 5:22 man.

And in three weeks from today, he is going to be my husband.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow! (As Michael likes to say...) What a mighty and awesome God we serve who provides us the blessing of a rainbow as a promise that the storm will someday pass.

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." Hebrews13:8

Going to the Chapel!

We're getting married! ... NEXT MONTH! August 25th to be exact!

I know that this is a big change from our June 15th, 2013 date, but we could not be more excited!

God has really been working on our hearts, and after prayer and heavy thinking about why we were waiting, we decided to change the date!

It was a decision that left me struggling at first. What about the wedding we had been planning? The church? The caterer? The reception hall? The DJ? Do we disregard those plans entirely? Originally, we thought, "Why don't we have a small ceremony now, with a big reception as our one year anniversary party?" The places were opened then, and we felt so blessed! If we were feeling called to get married now, we were following it. Even if that meant having a less-than-traditional big day, I mean big-days.

But then the girl in me kicked in. And the thinking about other people. I hated the idea of asking all of our loved ones to travel twice. Ray has 4 brothers and a sister. My mom is one of five. Ray's mom is one of eight. Then you throw in their spouses and our first cousins. Even if we tried to have a "small" wedding, it would still be a boo-coo of people. There was no way we could ask all of them to travel here for a wedding this year and then a reception on our one year anniversary. It would be waaaay to much of a hassle. So we decided that we might have to sacrifice our reception. Call our down payments on everything a loss, and just have a simple cake and punch reception.

But you know how God is the author and perfecter of all things awesome? Yeah. He did just that in our  lives this week. The DJ was able to shuffle his schedule, the caterer was open, and the reception hall just had a cancellation on that date this week. I literally cried in excitement. I cannot believe God is blessing us this much. We get to have the wedding we had been planning!

The funny thing about all of this is that when Ray and I were first picking out our date, I asked him if we could have a small wedding this year, and had actually mentioned August 25th. Him, knowing how crazy I am about planning, convinced me to go for something farther off. More time to plan, less of a rush, several sound reasons. But God has a way of changing your heart and making you see what's truly important.

Our wedding day is about us and starting our life together. It is about committing ourselves to each other in front of Jesus and those we love the most. It is about celebrating that we found "the one whom our soul loves" (Song of Solomon 3:4). It is about marrying the most incredible man on the entire planet who puts up with all of my "devilbook" using, my recent obsession with Twitter, my need to be organized in all areas of my life, and my everyday emotional roller coaster I drag him on. It is about becoming one family who is dedicated to serving Jesus and loving others. It is about rejoicing over our future.

It is about all of those things and so much more. About realizing that it's not about the day. Or the invitations. Or the groomswear. Or people approving of our menu choices. Because by-gum, I just don't care. I don't care what people think. Because if they don't like it, that's just too bad. This day isn't about them. It's about us and starting our life together.

That said, I'll be keeping you posted on how things progress this next month! It is going to be crazy, CRAZY busy, but we are absolutely thrilled.

Thank you to everyone who has gone above and beyond to help this come together. Without you helping us on our invitations, making our flowers, altering my dress, allowing your children to be our ring bearer and flower girl, frantically looking for dresses, and calling all over everywhere to help the details come together, this would not be possible. God has truly blessed us by placing you all in our lives. We love you from the bottom of our hearts and look forward to the day when we can serve you. 


Smile often,
-Soon(er)-to-be Mrs. Stephanie Lynn Lewis

It will never happen to me...

So we all hear about Internet safety. We get warned in school, by our parents, through the media. And we all think it will never happen to us. Or that those who become victims by the creepers on the web are somehow at fault for being so stupid as to publicly display their personal information. That's way we all think right? I mean, I'm guilty of it. "Well it's no wonder that girl got murdered, she met up with some guy on the internet. Doesn't she realize how many people get killed that way!"

I always thought like that. 

Until I suddenly became a victim. 

You know how you have those nightmares where someone is following you or trying to get to you? I had one the other night. It was so real that my thrashing to get away from the guy actually woke me up. There is nothing worse than a realistic dream like that. 

Until that realistic dream suddenly hits a chord of reality. 

Friday morning at 4:30 my phone rang with a number I didn't recognize. Having no idea who would be calling me in the middle of the night I answered my phone in a half asleep stupor. 

"Hello..."

"Stephanie?"

"Yeah. Who is this?"

"This is Mike."

"Mike who?"

"You don't know me?"

"No. Mike who?"

(laughs) "We talked..."

"No. We didn't. Who are you? How did you get my number?"

(laughs) "I found you on Facebook." 

In an instant I was wide awake, my heart was racing, and chills were flying through my body. Fear greater beyond comprehension gripped every fiber of my body. ...No. This only happens in movies.

Or so I liked to believe. 

The conversation progressed about how he found me, wanted to come meet me, and how he wanted sex from me. I mentioned having a fiancé hoping in my naivety that he would suddenly change his mind. That, however, seemed to only make him more aggressive. 

I felt like I couldn't talk. I felt paralyzed. Thank God, Ray happened to be staying at my house that evening. I handed the phone to him as the reality of what was happening took my breath away. 

The next few minutes seemed like hours as Ray tried to convince the guy to leave me alone, combating his threats with consequences of if he came near me. Ray snapped into action as he quickly hung up and dialed the Carbondale police station. Meanwhile, the creeper calls back without leaving a voicemail.

The next few hours flashed by like minutes. The officer arriving, asking us questions, and realizing that no, this is not phone harassment by some ex, or some guy, or someone I know like the police originally thought. Then the phone rings again. Placing the phone on speaker, I answer. 

"Hello."

"Stephanie."

"What do you want from me?"

"Sex."

At this point, the officer took the phone and informed him that this is no longer a game. Mike, on the other hand, didn't seem to care what the policeman has to say. He refused to give any information. The officer hung up. He then proceeded to tell me to have his number blocked, not to worry, etc. Then Mike called back.

The officer answered. 

Mike's response? "Excuse me. I didn't call to talk to you. Put Stephanie back on the phone." 

Me. Why me? What did I do? I made no effort to ever contact someone I didn't know online. I set my entire page to friends only. I have a picture of me and my fiancé as my display picture. I don't have revealing pictures. I don't have drunken pictures. I have nothing, nothing on my page eluding to the idea that I am someone who is ok with this. Why out of every person on the internet did this guy find and pick me? 

More discussion with the officer happened, and at 6:30 he left. It was over. It was done. I'd have his number blocked. It was over. The police were going to take care of it. 

Ray, furious and protective, took the day off and went to work with me at camp. We pulled in about 9:30 and boom. My phone rings again. This time, I am more determined than ever to figure out why me. I am sure he has no reason, but I just hoped that I could say something that would lead him to give me an answer. Instead, Mike became extremely aggressive and explicit. Which led me to hang up. 

Minutes later he called again. 

"Hanging up on me wasn't nice..."

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Stephanie. Don't you understand. I wandered the internet. I found you. This is how it happens. ....I'm just obsessed with you." 

Those words. "Obsessed with you." I still hear them. It's only been a day, but I still hear them. They still ring through my ears. They still twist their way down my spine. They still grip ever fiber of me with fear. What if he's serious? What if he isn't just a creeper who is far away, who found my number, and will stop calling me? What if he's more? What if he knows me? What if he found his way onto my page? What if he knows where I live? What if he knows where I work? Who knows what he could know about me? 

Obsessed with me. 

I instantly called the police station back, and got a terrific dispatcher who didn't seem to care about anything I was going through. Awesome. So thankful for the help. 

Mike called back 4 more times without leaving voicemail. 

Then, nothing. No more calls. Just to be safe, I had his number blocked that afternoon, but he didn't try for those few hours in between.

I went to the police station when I got back in town, and found out his phone was still turned on and was located near Chicago. Not the greatest news, because the police didn't know anything more than the town in which it was located, but at least he isn't in Carbondale. 

I know it's not over. I know I have a lot more to handle with the police. And I know he could still easily contact me again. (Which if he does, will hopefully give the police enough reason to actually do something about it...) But they seem to believe he's just a creeper. A prowler. Looking for a quick fix on some female prey, and once he has to put forth any more effort will move on. 

But what if he's not. 

I'm not telling this story to be dramatic about what happened to me this week. I'm telling it, because I never thought this would happen to me. Because I thought I was safe, and that this only happened to people who purposefully put themselves out there for this to happen. This guy could very well be what the police described. He could just move on, calling female after female. But he could not be just that. He could be more. He could be following me. He could be stalking me. He could be that guy you see on TV who becomes obsessed and does come after me. 

It is that possibility, and that conclusion which brings me to my point. I thought I was safe. I had my page set to friends only. My page. My pictures, my school, my work, my details, all private. ...Except my phone number. 

I have my number on there so people from camp and school can get a hold of me. I often end up calling someone from class over some project, and I got their number on Facebook. Having my number on there wasn't my problem. Instead, it was my ignorance of Facebook's privacy policy that was the issue. 

On your page, you have several privacy settings. Just because your default setting is friends only, doesn't mean your contact information is. Instead, you have to manually set your phone number and email to friends only instead of public. This is a change from what it used to be, and it was a change of which I had no idea. 

So please, for your sake, just take two minutes and check your settings. Make sure you don't make the same mistake I did. Because, believe me, things like this don't just happen on TV. 

-Stephanie Lynn 

Engaging in Engagement

Remember that meeting with our married friends I mentioned before? Where they filled us up with tons of good advice? In fact, we keep rethinking about all the things they said. But the one thing that keeps ringing through our period of engagement is the tip we were given about the difficulty that we would be facing. For them, their hardest two years as a couple were the year they got engaged and the year they got married. I truly believe this is ringing through in Ray and I.

All of the things Ray and I have went through since getting engaged has me wondering how people are able to enter into marriage so flippantly. We have done nothing except constantly dig deeper into each other, and let me tell you, this is not always fun. Instead, it reveals several hard pains that are embedded deep within us. And, it brings to light the scars held by us that must be tenderly cared to by the other person. It's a lot of work.

That whole glorified Hollywood, We TV, TLC version of love? They have pulled the wool over this girl's eyes for sure. Being engaged has been a hell of a wake up call.

For me, the hardest thing has been the realization that Ray is here. And he has no intention of going anywhere. As a hardheaded, quick to anger, quick to speak girl, I can't tell you how many times I think he is going to leave. I figure he is eventually going to find enough faults that it is inevitable. But instead, he continues to be my rock, and he continues to love me. Faults and all. ...And I am so incredibly in love with him for that and so much more.

I could go so much deeper into that, but instead I think I'll just keep trucking. The next thing that I struggle with is being a domestic woman. It was as if his sliding a ring onto my finger transported me back to 1950. I fret over trying to make sure he has clean clothes, and he eats, and the house is clean. I try to balance our schedule, plan out our days and weeks, and keep our hectic lives straight. ...Let's say, trying often results in failing. I am just not a domestic diva. I am not. I have an empty fridge because I just don't have time to cook, so instead I grab a can of food from the pantry and go. I have a pile of laundry that still needs to be put away. And his house... I decided rather than cleaning it, I am just going to wait until he moves. It will be easier to just do upkeep when he gets to his new place. (Plus I am afraid of catching something from his and his brother's bathroom. Yuck!) How do women do this?

I feel like being engaged not only leaves Ray and I facing the deep issues in our relationship and the daily business, but it leaves me thanking Jesus constantly for His mercy and grace. It's as though every time Ray loves me when I fail I am reminded how Jesus loves me when I make a mistake. Every time I find myself being selfish in our relationship, I think about how selfish I often am in my relationship with Christ. The parallel between marriage and a relationship with Jesus really is spot on. And I am so thankful for this opportunity of an engagement to be growing not only closer to my fiancé, but for the two of us to be growing closer to Jesus.

Tackling Thursday- The Victory Dance

Today has been an incredibly productive day. I woke up early this morning. Decided to wipe down the sink and the toilet using non-chemical based cleaners. (See Going Green blog here.) Then tried to consider what I wanted for breakfast. I needed something that could be carted to class and eaten later, so in other words, cereal and oatmeal were out. But then something that I saw on Pinterest crossed my mind. Baked Oatmeal.

Boom. I was on a role of productivity, (I had already printed out my extra credit article for class and read it as well) so I decided to not stop the movement. I pulled up Pinterest, searched baked oatmeal recipes and went for it.

I used a recipe I found on a blog. These things looked delish major. But, her recipe calls for lots of things I didn't have. Stevia, flaxseed, bananas, and baking powder... Yeah. I don't keep those on stock. So what did I do? I left them out. Instead I used other supplements, or just decided they weren't necessary.

Don't you love my 70s countertop?

I ended up with these ingredients: Plain, dry oats, applesauce, cinnamon, vanilla extract, and honey.
You also add one egg, but I didn't figure a picture of the shell was necessary...

Now you might be thinking. Where is the processed sugar? Or the low-cal chemical sweetener Splenda? There isn't any. The sweetness comes from the honey and the applesauce.

I did take the other blogger's advice though and decided to make some flavored ones. My muffin tin is only makes six, so I did two plain, two with frozen blueberries, and two with a some broken up Dove dark chocolate. I popped them in the oven, jumped in the shower, got ready, and after 35 minutes on 350, they were done!

I quickly dished a few of them out and into my glass Pyrex dishes (aka- my avoidance of more plastic) and headed off to school with my cup of Starbucks coffee. (I finally gave in an bought a bag. Great Value just wasn't cutting it.)


I have to say, they were pretty incredible. And it felt good knowing that I not only made them myself, but I avoided loading them down with tons of sugar or an icky chemical faux-sweetener.

So as for Tackling Thursday? I'd say it's safe to call it a win. ...Now I just have to make it through class for the next 9 hours.

I forgot to take a picture of the finished product,
so I figured I'd substitute with a picture of us instead :)

Going Green!

Last year I read the book "The Hip Girl's Guide to Homemaking." I thought it was really great, but I didn't really have it in me to become "green" like the author. But then I took the class Humans and the Environment this semester. I thought that it would provide me some great ideas and resources for teaching environmental ideas in my classroom someday. Little did I know though, that I was starting to foster an obsession.

I am all up for the idea of recycling, up-cycling, reducing, reusing, whatever. But I just don't have the time to put all of those crafty Pinterest ideas into use. So instead I have a coffee can, a jar, and a collection of wine bottles cluttering my cabinet. I feel like it's such a waste just to pitch them. What I didn't realize though is that it wasn't going to stop at just these items.

I stood yesterday holding my empty gallon of milk staring at the trash can when suddenly I felt this clench in my gut. Here I am getting ready to toss this plastic into a trash can to be taken to a dump where it will sit for 1000s of years when I could just take it somewhere and recycle it. It was at that moment I decided that this weekend I am buying some bins to start recycling. I am just sick of the idea of wasting things that could easily be recycled. It bothers me so much that it honestly makes me sad to know my laziness is harming Earth. (Go ahead. Make fun of me. Whatever.)

This whole going green idea was also fueled by a booth I saw at the Illinois Reading Conference. It was for Lights for Learning. In a nutshell, it's a school fundraising program that allows students to sell lightbulbs for their school fundraisers rather than overpriced cheese and wrapping paper. (See more information on this awesome program here.) The cool thing is they also come to your school to do a presentation about energy and conservation. Such a great idea.

The third part of this life change comes from cleaners. After reading that book that I mentioned earlier, I suddenly became aware of all the gross things I put into my body. Radiation from microwaves, insane amounts of chemicals from reheating plastics, toxins from cleaning supplies and plug-in air-freshners, all of it. Ugh. So, I got rid of my microwave and switched to glass glasses and containers. Eventually I plan on ridding myself of Teflon, which releases chemicals when heated beyond a certain temperature, and I am preparing myself to make the switch to green cleaners. (Thankfully some of the best cleaners can be made from vinegar and baking soda. For how that works, check out this blog.)

So, if you are good a being green, share some tips! I'm a total rookie, and I am trying to not be terrified to how daunting this transition seems. But I figure if I am saving the Earth and not loading my body with ridiculous amounts of chemicals, it's worth it :)

Realizations.

Through this dating and, now, being engaged to Ray, I have learned SO many things about myself. What is the most interesting to me though, is that I can see a connection between all of them. And often, that connection is disheartening. For those who don't know, I have extremely, extremely low self-esteem. An issue that has been especially prevalent throughout my relationship with Ray. Between not thinking I deserve him, to hating the way my body looks, and the complete and utter fear I have of failing, the list of disappointment I often see in myself seems as if it could go on forever. 


I believe that this realization of just how much stress I put upon myself for a lack of belief in myself and who I am has really shaken my core. Which is why I have spent much of my thought time lately figuring out exactly what the cause(s) of this is(are). 


Does it come from being relentlessly picked on in school? 
Or having a father who was never really present?
Is it a result of my mom's fears transferred down a generation? 
Or is it something far beyond this? 


What I realized through a conversation Ray and I had with some married friends of ours is my role in the family. For Ray, he is the one to succeed. He's the one to graduate college, be successful, and provide for his family back home. He's the achiever. For me? I was stumped. I searched and scrambled for words describing how I felt in position with the rest of my family.  The husband of the couple looked at me and said, "You're the one they expect to fail aren't you?" Suddenly it was as if this light flashed as it made connections all around my brain. 


Yes. That was exactly what I felt my role was. 


I have spent my life being a people pleaser. I may have been a terrible, exhaustive child/preteen/teen to put up with, but I have greatly and intensely matured in college. And everything I do, I often don't do for myself. I do it for others. My grades, my financial decisions, my obsession over having the pillows on the couch straight. Everything. I hardly let what I truly and desperately want to happen come to the surface, primarily out of the fear of failure. But what I have realized alongside this idea, is that it isn't necessarily failure in my eyes that causes me grief, but it is confirming that I have indeed failed in the eyes of others. 


It's as though despite all of my efforts, despite paying for college and cost of living by myself, maintaining a job all throughout college, participating in extra curriculars, earning a 3.862 GPA so far (which will be a 3.9 by the date of my graduation), being involved in a church, working at a church camp and at 710 seven days a week in the summer, growing closer to my mom, not drinking until I was 21, losing almost 90 pounds, and finding someone incredible with whom I am going to spend my life, despite all of that, I never feel as if it's enough. 


Instead, I am left feeling as though all anyone ever sees are my failures, my shortcomings, my mistakes. I feel as though they are so quick to throw it in my face. And then, to top it off, they throw the "You always think you're the center of attention" card in the mix. 


But I don't try to be. Does it happen? Yes. Because I just want to feel like I've accomplished something my family can be proud of. Because earning two years worth of free rides in college isn't enough. Because staying an extra year with 5, count them FIVE added certificates to my teaching degree, isn't enough. And because wanting someone to just for once say, "Hey. You've done great." is asking incredibly too much... I am not saying that as an I want that as a response to me drawing it out of them through listing all of the good things I've done, but because they are just naturally proud of me. After all, the only reason I spout off that list that I have worked so hard to create is for them to just be proud of me. That's it. To just believe in me. Treat me as if I'm not a failure. 


But instead, I get told to "Fuck off" and have the door slammed in my face. (Literally.)


It's no wonder I am such a wreck. It's no wonder I have these habits and days of just crying uncontrollably because I just can't relax. I just can't calm down. I just can't enjoy life. .Because if I am doing those things, I am not doing everything in my absolute power to make sure my list of accomplishments stays solid. Because if I am just holding my head high and resting in the peace that comes from knowing that I'm not so bad after all, then I am an instant from falling flat on my face in failure. 


I say all of that, but I just want to take a moment though to say this isn't just my family. And, in fact, there are soooo many people in my family who are incredible. That is why this entire process of coming to these realizations has been so difficult on me. Because it has brought out just how truly and deeply I love my family, and how vastly much I long for their approval, because they mean the absolute world and beyond to me. Because I just love them, and want them to be proud of me. 


But this whole lack of belief in myself also comes from the kids in middle school, too. The ones who called me "Moo Moo" and who stole my winter hat and spit in it before they threw it in the trash can. The principal and teachers who made me feel as though it was my fault for just not getting over it. 


From the high school teachers who never really expected much out of me anyway. 


From the church family members who only saw my mistakes, who labeled me, who pushed me aside, and eventually out of their doors. 


From the media. 


From Satan. 


From my own lies I have concocted over the years. 


This overwhelming pressure comes from so many places, that it hasn't been until recently that I have just been feeling like enough is enough. And whether that it was from my college professor who pulled me aside to tell me I was one of 4 students in the class he saw having the potential to do more, and who said "Don't stop," and who didn't look at me with  only a Bachelor's, but told me he saw me with a Master's and a PhD. 


Or whether it's been through the insane amount of closeness that has been developing between my mom and I as I savor these last precious months before I get married and move out of the nest for good. 


Or if it's been through the love of the most loving, wonderful, supporting, caring, understanding, and patient fiancé I could have ever dreamed of having. 


Or the actual answer, that God has orchestrated all of these events, including a loving and nurturing local church family, to come together at the same time, and to finally begin healing these wounds that are so deeply imbedded within me. 


Praise be to Jesus for long awaited healing. 


...I know this blog is lengthy. And, I actually picked up my computer to type up a blog about the wedding plans. But apparently, I just needed to get all of this off my chest instead.


So, just incase you are still reading, thank you. Because more than likely, you are someone who has loved me, encouraged me, believed in me, supported me, and has blessed me more than I will ever be able to describe to you in words. Through text messages, phone calls, emails, visits, and so much more, there are so many of you who have gotten me through the toughest times in my life, who have been the voice of encouragement in my ear, believing in me when I didn't believe in myself. I praise God that He blessed me with you on Earth to be a living reminder of the way He loves me, cares for me, and provides for me. 


So from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. And, I pray that He blesses you in return for the ways you have blessed me.