Daily Bread- A Story of Transformation

I wanted to entitle this blog "When it rains, it pours. ...and then it floods." Because that is how it has been for Ray and I this semester. Day 1 of the semester, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, we had a crazy, absolutely insanely ridiculous mishap with his tire. This led to a bill of over $1500 getting his car fixed. (If you would like to know more, reconsider. You really don't. It was bad.)

Let's fast forward to week two of the semester. Roommate Hell. I mean knock-down drag-out, viciousness. (See previous Facebook statuses.) The storm has since calmed down some, but I am aware that there is a vicious festering rage that could cause Andi to explode at the unplugging of an extension cord or me to flip at the task of having to clean off my roommate's hair one more day. It's truly disgusting. I honestly wonder if she thinks there is a hair fairy in our apartment. God speed to her fiancé.

Anyway! Let's keep that roommate train rolling for a few weeks. Now throw in another car issue. The damage? About 1,000. And when I say about, I mean if Ray threw down another 50 cents, we would had hit four digits. Terrible.

Now in the mix of all of these things let's throw in work. Mix in a beyond generous helping of school and homework. And then top it off with the feeling of having the need to have a smile on your face when you walk into church. I know you don't need to, but when people ask "How are you doing?" You don't want to provide them with a lament.

It has been tough. So incredibly tough. But just when we felt like we had our feet out a semi-solid floor. Literally it felt like the whole earth got pulled out from underneath us.

Let me interject with something about Ray, and something about myself as well. I have always said that you can't truly love someone in a matter of weeks, and you sure as heck can't know he or she is the one in a matter of months. If you don't believe me, I can direct you to a friend of mine who I had been convinced she had no idea what she was doing until a month after she had been married. I now admit that I was wrong. Because I have learned, that when you know, you know.

Have Ray and I been together long? No. Have we had a lot of "life" to get through? We do now. But before I decided to make the commitment to date Ray I wanted to be certain that he was someone with whom I could potentially spend my life. And after much prayer, and lot's of thinking and considering, I realized that he someone like that. That's why we decided to officially date. Since then Ray and I have packed a heck of a lot of depth into our relationship. The number of "dates" we go on is actually quite small. Instead we fill our time with substance. We talk. We share. We grow. 


I am quite certain that anyone who knows me and is around me can attest to the fact that I am a different person after having Ray enter my life. He brings out the best in me. And I firmly believe that God put him in my life to be the one to coerce those characteristics to come out. I am happier. I am more confident. I am more patient. In loving Ray, and being loved by Ray, I have started to see those qualities described in Corinthians. And I can honestly say that had my heart and my life not been drastically changed my Jesus in these past few months. I would be making it through what Ray and I are facing right now. 

Back to the main topic.

Ray and I have considered the option of marriage for our future. ...Ok, we've more than considered. Either way, doors have been opening and options have been appearing that have screamed God's blessings. And in the midst of those rainy days and thunderstorms described above, we held onto the blessings that God was putting in our life. The main one? A job.

Ray had applied for a job a few weeks ago and had been given an offer. It could not have been more perfect. The town. The local church. Local friends. And the job itself was one in which he could use his management degree and continue in his love of basketball. We were in awe of God's blessings.

Now remember that earth shaking event I talked to you about earlier? Here it is. ...Ray didn't get that job. Not necessarily he didn't get that job, but there isn't a job to get due to funding. Talk about heartbreak. There is nothing worse than looking into the eyes of the man you want to spend the rest of your life with and see this light snuffed out as his dream just shattered on the floor.

To say yesterday was tough would be an understatement. It was beyond awful. But at that moment, I realized something. God had, and has, a plan for us. Now the old Stephanie would have instantly looked at this as a "Ray and I aren't meant to be together. This is terrible. Life is going to end. Woe is us" moment. Instead, I clung to the things that God has been doing in my life. That He works for the good of those who love Him. That He isn't going to give his daughter a serpent. (See this post for more information on that realization in my life.)

I found myself remembering the words to the Lord's prayer that Ray and I prayed on Monday night. "Our Father, who art in heaven, Hallowed be Thy name! Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread."  And it hit me. We prayed, earnestly prayed for God's will to be done, and for Him to bless us with daily bread. Key word: Daily. We didn't pray for God to take care of tomorrow, next week, next year, or our life until retirement. We prayed for today. We asked God to give us the sustenance for today because that is how Jesus teaches us to pray.

I would love to say suddenly, but slowly, and repetitively throughout the day I was reminded with that, and  I found myself clinging to the promises that God has given us, that He will take care of us. And in the midst of my tears and worry, I thanked God. I praised Him for giving us those rainy days and thunderstorms before we hit the flood. Because for the past month, finances have been a key part of Ray and my relationship. We have talked about what happens in job loss, how do we want to plan for retirement, what about savings, giving up the luxury of eating out for Lent, and trusting in God as our provider, not Ray. God has clearly orchestrated a path for us to make it up this mountain slowly and surely by giving us the strength we've needed along the way. And because of that I praise Him. I praise Him for His faithfulness, His love, His mercy, His grace, and His promises. I praise Him for the gifts He gives us, and I cling to the promise of His rainbow that is going to come at the end of this flood. Because Oh what a glorious shining moment that will be!!!

This is not the end for us. This is a mountain that I am thankful we get to climb together before we get married. That we have the blessing and security that comes from parents and secure-ish jobs. We have health insurance. We have apartments. We have freezers full of food. We have our daily bread. And we'll have tomorrow's bread, as well. And every day, God is going to keep giving us that daily amount to not only sustain, but bless us. Because He works for the good of those who love Him, and we are trusting that His will is better than ours.

As for the future? Who knows. This could be an opportunity for Ray to work at a business that would provide us with more income that the job he had hoped for, thus helping us to get started on a more steady financial foot. Ray still might be able to volunteer with the basketball team at that place. It could be his service, and he would be able to do something he loves. That could easily be a door that God could open in the future. But until then, we are living today. We are praising today. And we are thanking God for the bread He has given us today. We'll let tomorrow worry about tomorrow. (Matthew 6:34)

God's Blessings- Overcoming the dark cloud.

I don't know if you are aware of this, but sometimes being a woman causes you to just cry for no reason. This morning was one of those days. I woke up thinking about Ray and how wonderful he is, and how full of integrity he is, how loving he is, and how blessed I am. And then I started to cry. Now I'll admit there are those days that I just suddenly get overwhelmed by blessings and get misty eyed. Today was not one of those days. In fact it was quite different.

Instead of crying because God is blessing me so much, I was crying because God is blessing me so much. The difference? Me. And my worthiness of His blessings. Those of you who know me well are aware that I have always struggled with my worth and value in this world. But I've always known and understood that despite the world, God still finds me worthy. He still finds me as a beautiful soul. He still longs to bless me as His daughter. However, this is still an idea that I struggle with. Like this morning. 

Quick backtrack. Since August of my junior year when I started observing at Benton, I set my sights on moving there. There is a teaching position opening up in May of 2013, and the honest to goodness reason why I decided to add all of those endorsements to my degree and stay an extra year in school was so I would have the best chance of getting hired there. I love the area. I would be close to camp, so I could retain my summer job. I have a church family that I love in West Frankfort. And friends who are married and settled down right around there. Benton/West Frankfort became my ideal, this is what I want, please God place me in Benton dream. 

How does this tie into today? Well it has to do with my last post. Ray. As I mentioned before, those of you who know me also know my struggle in feeling worthy. God has blessed me so incredibly much by placing Ray in my life. He is everything I could have ever needed, ever wanted, in a husband and a father to my future children. He loves me, cares for me, and will provide, and protect me. He sees me as a bride in Christ, and will do all that he can to love me as Jesus does. Even my mom has said, he is everything she ever prayed for in the man who would marry me someday. 

The problem? Well there isn't one. In fact nothing but great things have been happening in the world of Ray and I. He's recently been offered a job. The location? West Frankfort. He has decided he wants to be baptized, and is highly considering transferring to West Frankfort Christian Church, the church I mentioned above.  He has the full intention of moving there, saving all year, and beginning to prepare for our life together. I know this because on the morning of his interview he told me this was the first step of starting our future. 

So in summary, I found a man I would easily marry without thinking twice. He is moving to the same area that I have planned and longed to move. He is deciding to go to the same church where I want to attend. It seems perfect. Too perfect.

I am laying in bed crying this morning thinking maybe I should just end it with Ray now, because that will save me the hurt later. This entire situation, this entire dream, it can't be coming true. It's just the world's mean trick to get my hopes up just to make them crash into the burn. The worst is always yet to come. There is always a dark cloud for every silver lining. Why enjoy and revel in this goodness I am surrounded by only to have it taken away when I get my hopes buried into the idea that my future really could be this blessed. 

It was at this point that I was reminded of the verses in Luke 11. 

"⁹So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ¹⁰ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

   ¹¹ “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for^[f] a fish, will give him a snake instead? ¹² Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? ¹³ If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

It's as if I am expecting that in asking God to take care of my future, I am saying, "Here's my future. Just give me the serpent and let's get this over with." I like I am expecting the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Alpha and Omega, all merciful and loving God to look at me and say, "I am going to take your future and give you less than you deserve. (Because you really don't deserve anything...) I am going to bless you, but only to a certain amount. I plan on lavishing you with gifts, but only mediocre ones." 

I began praying that God would just take care of me, and to please not let me and my lack of believing in my self-worth to get in the way of His plan. I'll have to see where that takes me...

Ray. From the Beginning.

I was originally going to call this post, "The boy deserves a post." But changed my mind. Because:
A: It wasn't very clever.
B: I so often find myself being much more sappy when he's gone, i.e. this post.

Meet Ray.

Isn't he handsome? :)

Age: 21

Religion: Lover of Jesus

Major: Business Management

Profession: SIU Men's Basketball Manager/Boyfriend of Stephanie 

I was always against those super fast relationships where you "fall in love" in like a month of dating, and talk about the future, and rush into everything, simply because you are in complete and total puppy love. 

But then, Ray came into the picture. 

When I met him last Spring at a brunch and found out he and I were moving next door to each other come June, I had no idea that I was actually talking to the man who would complete steal my heart.

First thoughts of him:

Attractive: Yes. 

Charming: Yes. 

That special something: Yes. Hearing him talk about coaching kid's basketball at the SIU summer camps totally melted my heart. But there was no way I was telling him that!

Fast forward to the summer. 

We moved in on the same day, and my friend Justin and I helped him unload his U-hall. 

July came and rolled around with me only seeing him once as he was walking. I ended up giving him a ride.

August: He was walking by outside, and I invited him in to watch Castle with a bunch of us. 

It has been history in the making ever since. 

From August until October I was so blind to the idea that maybe this guy liked me. I somehow never noticed the fact that he as ALWAYS over here. Texted me quite often. Helped me beyond measure getting ready for homecoming. Came over to sit by me at every football game. You know? Mega signs that should say, "Hey, dummy. This guy is interested." 

It wasn't until right before homecoming weekend that I thought, "Hmm. There might be something here." Thanks to Steve S., five of us ended up at a haunted house. The max to go in at a time was three. Let's think this through. There was no way in HECK i was going in alone. That left me with Stevie Wonder leading the way and Ray protecting me from any lurking monsters. It was while inside that the little billboard popped up. Ray wasn't just protecting me from monsters. Ray was protecting me from monsters. I had this gut wrenching moment of "I'm safe." 

And what did I do? I tried to ignore it. 

Lot's of other things happened in the coming weeks that led to a roller coster of emotions. The return of a summer fling. The loss of homecoming queen. Figuring out that I chased douchebags. A whole lot of mess.

But then on October 29th. My life changed.

I had decided that week that I was done chasing. From now on, I was earnestly giving my love life to Jesus. I was never going to find "the one" if I was the one looking. Because I was looking out of fear. Fear that I would never have someone to truly love me. So I'd try every option until finally something clicked. 

I digress. October 29th. 

I am sitting at work and this random guy leaves his number on the counter for me. Now take note, this has never, ever happened in my life. I was in complete and total shock. So when Ray came to visit me at work, I shared this information. Still ignoring the ever growing billboard that says, "Moron. Take a look at this guy!" 

Little did I know that this tidbit of information would be the pushing point for Ray to ask me out. 

My response: Oh man. I'm really sorry, Ray. But I can't. I have this tendency to chase douchebags. And I really just need some time to not be a chaser. Someday someone is going to love me because I'm crazy. Not in spite of it. 

(Yes. I know. AWFUL response.... But I was coming off the whole roller coaster remember?)

His response: *grabs hands, gives light squeeze* You, are not crazy. You're emotionally expressive. 

Little did I know at that moment when my heart began to fall, it wouldn't stop. 

Now obviously, since that moment things have changed. Ray and I proceeded to spend pretty much every day together, and it was after a few weeks, the 16th of November, that we decided to pick a date that we started "dating." (Our anniversary is the 5th, by the way. It has a super sappy story why too, just in case you are wondering.) 

And boy am I ever so glad that it happened. 

Not-So-Sweet Potatoes: Conquering the Crock Pot

This past semester was extremely, extremely busy and was not really scheduled in a way that provided with me with the opportunity to cook. That left me constantly eating out, grabbing and going, snacking and munching, thus, in turn, a whole lot more broke and a little pudgier. Mega sad.

Therefore, I decided 2012 was going to be the start of my transition into actual adulthood. Not young adulthood, but actual be responsible, think long term, don't be a college kid moron, adulthood.

This began with my freezer.

 From lots of cut up vegetables to meats I am terrified to cook, it is starting to be a bit ridiculous. I often take one look inside at what could be a real meal, put my head down, and call 549-5326 (...That's Quatros for you non-Carbondalites.)

I digress.

I felt that in order to use up what I actually had, I had to know what I actually had. Makes sense, right?
This resulted in all of the food being laid out on my table as I created a list of everything there. What I discovered is that there is real potential here. Lots of meat. Lots of veggies. And an assortment of high-processed boxed foods belonging to my roommate. (Thankfully, I also decided to begin avoiding this type of monstrosity we so often shove into our bodies, so there was no problem in simply putting them back in the freezer.)

This led to the need for a plan. I've got my list of potential ingredients, a laptop, and little time with the up and coming book rush season at 710 Bookstore.

I glanced over my list and saw a (2) next to the word "roast." That meant, you guessed it. It was time to make my first roast. However, I don't have the time to slave of preparing a roast.  I needed something quick and easy. Easy? What word equates with that? Crockpot. Now to everyone else, this machine is a God-send. To me, it was terrifying and I have successfully avoided this device for almost two years of living on my own. Ridiculous. I know.

Fast forward through a bunch of online researching on Pinterest and food websites (procrastinating on the inevitable) and I finally settled on a plan.

Ingredients: 1/2 of a roast, sweet potatoes, celery, red pepper, onions, and chicken gravy. (Granny always used chicken gravy, and it's what I had.)

I started with what seemed the most simple. Peel and cut the sweet potatoes. Let me just say, that name is a fallacy. These damn things were the devil! I about gave up at the peeling stage. Let alone having to do the actually cutting. I ended up with a wicked cut on my thumb. And a sore palm from pushing the machete through the potato. Evil.

Note the assortment of knives it took. 

However, after the twenty minutes of screaming and wanting to chuck the vegetable through the window, I finally had them cut up. All that was left was putting the meal together. I mixed in all my ingredients, clicked the crockpot on, and left for work.

That evening I entered my apartment to the delicious, non-burnt smell, of a roast.

The meat was literally falling off the bone! 

I have to admit, it was quite tasty! And very exhilarating! It must have caused me to overcome my fear of the crockpot, because once the dishes were done, I immediately refilled it with the other half of the roast, au jus, and peppers for tonight's supper. Needless to say, I can't wait to get home tonight.


I guess this path to becoming domestic woman isn't so bad...minus the not-so-sweet potatoes.

Update on "The List"

One always has the best intentions… I must admit that I have since failed at reaching my 21 goals. It was as though the second my fall semester began, my life ended. I became swamped with school and work that these seemingly easy goals became almost instantaneously unattainable.  However, I do not want to discredit the adventures I have had, so here are the goals that I have reached…

Numero Uno: Go paddle boating

2. Swim in a lake, something much larger than Cricket and Levi's Uncle Larry's pond

3. Donate to a charity regularly

4. Learn sign-language

5. Run a lap around campus (Note: My running speed will be much, much slower than what track stars such as Sarah David consider running)

6. Play/Sing in a recital hosted by my sorority, Sigma Alpha Iota

7. Host a dinner party

8. Get a tattoo

9. Travel someplace I have never been

10. Go go-karting

11. Go paitballing

12. Treat myself to a spa day

13. Watch 21 man movies (with guidance from fellas such as Mr. John Goode)

14. Be at the healthy weight for my height by the time I turn 22

15. Go to the casino (Elvis slots, baby!)

16. Paint a picture

17. Be a vegetarian for a month

18. Read 10 classic novels

19. Have better posture (not exactly a check-off-the-list kind of thing, more gradually observable...)

20. Make a scrapbook

21. Try something new. While that includes most of the aforementioned items, I want to leave this one open-ended.

The ones that I have met though are:

#3 Donate to a charity regularly: (sort of) I began the summer strong by donating monthly to Tim and Elizabeth Harrison in Kenya, but this semester was met with some tough times financially and quite an adjustment for me. I am much more money conscious now, however, and am planning on starting again this month. To be honest, writing the check to them made my bill-paying day enjoyable.

Card from Tim and Elizabeth 

#10 Go go-karting: I have to admit that this day was one of the best I have ever had. During one trip up north, I convinced my Uncle Pete to take me go-karting. When I was younger, he lived in Arizona, and it hasn’t been until the past few years that we have gotten really close. So we woke up early, got some breakfast, and hit the track at Haunted Trails in Joliet. Through my adventure (and multiple laps around their tiny track) I was reassured that I was meant to be a racecar driver. Someday oh someday, a girl can only dream…

About to dominate. 

Uncle Pete, preparing to lose!

#16 Paint a picture: This one kinda-sorta happened. I made a picture out of paint on a canvas with the help of none other than AP and AO. (God love Pinterest for Christmas ideas!) And I also did modpodge on canvases for my mom and Ray, but I have yet to complete a full on painting done entirely by me and solely from paint. I’ll give myself partial credit on this one though…

AP and I having some painting fun!

Half finished product. I later added AO's
handprints as red ornaments.

Lorran holding the picture I made for him

Picture on canvas for my Mama

As for the rest of my goals? I am still piddlying around on a few. The man movie list is still being chipped away at, my dinner party is something I began to take a step towards, as is the eating healthier (including vegetarianism…) I now have paints, and should perhaps consider actually using them to paint something more than just the modpodge.

The year is new though, and I still have about 5 months left. Let’s see if this spring semester permits me any more time : ) 

Should have posted this one in August...

It's a little late, but it finally made it out of my draft box!

(08/11) I've actually been impressed with my efforts to work on my "bucket" list. Although there are a few that I am no where near starting, such as the month as a vegetarian, I have been making a conscious effort to complete at least some of the items on my list. I have also been working on some of the biggies. I have watched a few man movies which I will describe in the future and I carry a classic novel with me, in hope that if it is in my bag I will actually open it. However, don't hold your breath on that one being marked off soon. Instead, let me walk you through the list items I have recently completed!

Number one on my list was to go paddle boating. Thanks to Caitlyn, Kelly, and Natalie, this one is now complete! The girls and I decided to hit Campus Lake at SIU after church last week. Much to my surprise, renting paddle boats and canoes is free. How I have been at SIU for three years and have been unaware of this, I will never know. But, now that I do know this, I am completely down for any sporadic lake adventures that any of my friends want to go on. We rented the paddle boats and began our adventure around the lake. Contrary to any misconstrued ideas, paddle boats do not move quickly with four people on them. My goal of going around the entire lake was quickly cut short after we paddled our way back to shore after an hour of sweat, sun, and stinky-ness.

Me, Nat, Kell, and Caitlyn

Showing you that I really am in a lake

This exciting adventure, however, got me super excited about Campus Lake, so the next day Caitlyn, Matt, Skylar, and I hit the water. This time: A canoe! I found this one to be much, MUCH more terrifying than the first. Let me set it up for you. I was in front of Canoe A, in the non-steering seat. Skylar was in the rear being lead direction/paddler. Caitlyn had my seat in Canoe B while Matt took the strong seat. All was well until Matt and Skylar decided it would be AWESOME to switch canoes. If you recall from my previous blog, I can't really swim in a body of water in which I can't touch ground. So here we are, middle of the lake, and the two nimrods in the rear are switching canoes. Add my inability to swim with the panic that comes from watching my Droid wiggle around in the bottom of the canoe and I am pretty sure it resulted in what would be called "hyperventilation." The rest of the trip was filled with Matt shaking the boat, running it into the other canoe, Sklyar and Matt switching back, Caitlyn and Skylar switching, and Stephanie in an all around tizzy. However, once the canoe was safely ashore I was confident that I had a most splendid time and would certainly like to go again.

Needless to say, I am mega thankful for Caitlyn who has been an instigator in my trying of new things. <3

Adventure #2: Canoeing!

There were many moments I wished I was closer to that dock.

Gumper. He followed us around most of the day.

One thing at a time...

I am not quite sure if anyone even reads this mundane description of my twenty-first year, or if I am blogging just to hopefully spur myself onto actually living life. Either way, I suppose the latter is more than enough reason to write. If it takes me actually writing down, or in this case typing, goals for me to accomplish and recording my path to meeting those goals, then what does it matter? The purpose of goals is to meet them right? So therefore the means to this particular end does not really matter. ...Now that I have completely justified to myself that this blog is not a waste of time, I'll actually get to the purpose of this entry.

I have completed two goals! Well, one is still in the process, but I can officially mark off number two: "Swim in a lake, something much larger than Cricket and Levi's Uncle Larry's pond."  Due to the decision to forego The Sound of Music, Miss Caitlyn Gallip and I decided to work on my list after I got off work at 710. We drove to her aunt's dock at Lake of Egypt and went swimming! Although it isn't Lake Michigan or even Kentucky Lake, it was much, much larger than Uncle Larry's pond. I am not sure exactly what I was expecting when I swam in a lake, but it was awkwardly warm with cool currents every now and then. The fact that I couldn't see anywhere around me was intimidating in itself, but I have to say that the most intense part was the realization that I, in fact, do not know how to swim. So note to all of my blog readers, provided that you do actually exist, just because you can "swim" in a 5 foot pool, does not mean that you can SWIM in a lake. Start to sink a little in a pool? Put your foot down. Start to sink in a pond? Kick like mad and flail your arms, praying that you can just keep your head above water. Praise Jesus for Caitlyn who was very supportive through the entire freak-out moment when I thought I was going to sink. Apparently your body will simply float if you stop the spasms and lay on your back. Good to know. Anyway! That is accomplished goal number one. Here are a few pictures: (*Please disregard the awful pale and rather voluptuous appendages known as my legs. Never said I was a model!)

 This is my attempt at "swimming" as Caitlyn conveniently stood on the dock. Staying still enough for a picture was impossible. I am just happy my face didn't have a look of terror. 

The second time I jumped into the lake. Caitlyn jumped in with me on the first time, after several counts to three. I am assuming most people hold their noses and I am not just some lame-o. (At least that is what I am hoping...)

Ok! Lake goal completed! I am still working on the rest. I am preparing myself for the man-movie extravaganza. Rocky and Rambo are on standby. I am just building anticipation at this point :)

Until next time, smile often,
-stephanie lynn