Tackling Thursday- The Victory Dance

Today has been an incredibly productive day. I woke up early this morning. Decided to wipe down the sink and the toilet using non-chemical based cleaners. (See Going Green blog here.) Then tried to consider what I wanted for breakfast. I needed something that could be carted to class and eaten later, so in other words, cereal and oatmeal were out. But then something that I saw on Pinterest crossed my mind. Baked Oatmeal.

Boom. I was on a role of productivity, (I had already printed out my extra credit article for class and read it as well) so I decided to not stop the movement. I pulled up Pinterest, searched baked oatmeal recipes and went for it.

I used a recipe I found on a blog. These things looked delish major. But, her recipe calls for lots of things I didn't have. Stevia, flaxseed, bananas, and baking powder... Yeah. I don't keep those on stock. So what did I do? I left them out. Instead I used other supplements, or just decided they weren't necessary.

Don't you love my 70s countertop?

I ended up with these ingredients: Plain, dry oats, applesauce, cinnamon, vanilla extract, and honey.
You also add one egg, but I didn't figure a picture of the shell was necessary...

Now you might be thinking. Where is the processed sugar? Or the low-cal chemical sweetener Splenda? There isn't any. The sweetness comes from the honey and the applesauce.

I did take the other blogger's advice though and decided to make some flavored ones. My muffin tin is only makes six, so I did two plain, two with frozen blueberries, and two with a some broken up Dove dark chocolate. I popped them in the oven, jumped in the shower, got ready, and after 35 minutes on 350, they were done!

I quickly dished a few of them out and into my glass Pyrex dishes (aka- my avoidance of more plastic) and headed off to school with my cup of Starbucks coffee. (I finally gave in an bought a bag. Great Value just wasn't cutting it.)


I have to say, they were pretty incredible. And it felt good knowing that I not only made them myself, but I avoided loading them down with tons of sugar or an icky chemical faux-sweetener.

So as for Tackling Thursday? I'd say it's safe to call it a win. ...Now I just have to make it through class for the next 9 hours.

I forgot to take a picture of the finished product,
so I figured I'd substitute with a picture of us instead :)

Going Green!

Last year I read the book "The Hip Girl's Guide to Homemaking." I thought it was really great, but I didn't really have it in me to become "green" like the author. But then I took the class Humans and the Environment this semester. I thought that it would provide me some great ideas and resources for teaching environmental ideas in my classroom someday. Little did I know though, that I was starting to foster an obsession.

I am all up for the idea of recycling, up-cycling, reducing, reusing, whatever. But I just don't have the time to put all of those crafty Pinterest ideas into use. So instead I have a coffee can, a jar, and a collection of wine bottles cluttering my cabinet. I feel like it's such a waste just to pitch them. What I didn't realize though is that it wasn't going to stop at just these items.

I stood yesterday holding my empty gallon of milk staring at the trash can when suddenly I felt this clench in my gut. Here I am getting ready to toss this plastic into a trash can to be taken to a dump where it will sit for 1000s of years when I could just take it somewhere and recycle it. It was at that moment I decided that this weekend I am buying some bins to start recycling. I am just sick of the idea of wasting things that could easily be recycled. It bothers me so much that it honestly makes me sad to know my laziness is harming Earth. (Go ahead. Make fun of me. Whatever.)

This whole going green idea was also fueled by a booth I saw at the Illinois Reading Conference. It was for Lights for Learning. In a nutshell, it's a school fundraising program that allows students to sell lightbulbs for their school fundraisers rather than overpriced cheese and wrapping paper. (See more information on this awesome program here.) The cool thing is they also come to your school to do a presentation about energy and conservation. Such a great idea.

The third part of this life change comes from cleaners. After reading that book that I mentioned earlier, I suddenly became aware of all the gross things I put into my body. Radiation from microwaves, insane amounts of chemicals from reheating plastics, toxins from cleaning supplies and plug-in air-freshners, all of it. Ugh. So, I got rid of my microwave and switched to glass glasses and containers. Eventually I plan on ridding myself of Teflon, which releases chemicals when heated beyond a certain temperature, and I am preparing myself to make the switch to green cleaners. (Thankfully some of the best cleaners can be made from vinegar and baking soda. For how that works, check out this blog.)

So, if you are good a being green, share some tips! I'm a total rookie, and I am trying to not be terrified to how daunting this transition seems. But I figure if I am saving the Earth and not loading my body with ridiculous amounts of chemicals, it's worth it :)

Realizations.

Through this dating and, now, being engaged to Ray, I have learned SO many things about myself. What is the most interesting to me though, is that I can see a connection between all of them. And often, that connection is disheartening. For those who don't know, I have extremely, extremely low self-esteem. An issue that has been especially prevalent throughout my relationship with Ray. Between not thinking I deserve him, to hating the way my body looks, and the complete and utter fear I have of failing, the list of disappointment I often see in myself seems as if it could go on forever. 


I believe that this realization of just how much stress I put upon myself for a lack of belief in myself and who I am has really shaken my core. Which is why I have spent much of my thought time lately figuring out exactly what the cause(s) of this is(are). 


Does it come from being relentlessly picked on in school? 
Or having a father who was never really present?
Is it a result of my mom's fears transferred down a generation? 
Or is it something far beyond this? 


What I realized through a conversation Ray and I had with some married friends of ours is my role in the family. For Ray, he is the one to succeed. He's the one to graduate college, be successful, and provide for his family back home. He's the achiever. For me? I was stumped. I searched and scrambled for words describing how I felt in position with the rest of my family.  The husband of the couple looked at me and said, "You're the one they expect to fail aren't you?" Suddenly it was as if this light flashed as it made connections all around my brain. 


Yes. That was exactly what I felt my role was. 


I have spent my life being a people pleaser. I may have been a terrible, exhaustive child/preteen/teen to put up with, but I have greatly and intensely matured in college. And everything I do, I often don't do for myself. I do it for others. My grades, my financial decisions, my obsession over having the pillows on the couch straight. Everything. I hardly let what I truly and desperately want to happen come to the surface, primarily out of the fear of failure. But what I have realized alongside this idea, is that it isn't necessarily failure in my eyes that causes me grief, but it is confirming that I have indeed failed in the eyes of others. 


It's as though despite all of my efforts, despite paying for college and cost of living by myself, maintaining a job all throughout college, participating in extra curriculars, earning a 3.862 GPA so far (which will be a 3.9 by the date of my graduation), being involved in a church, working at a church camp and at 710 seven days a week in the summer, growing closer to my mom, not drinking until I was 21, losing almost 90 pounds, and finding someone incredible with whom I am going to spend my life, despite all of that, I never feel as if it's enough. 


Instead, I am left feeling as though all anyone ever sees are my failures, my shortcomings, my mistakes. I feel as though they are so quick to throw it in my face. And then, to top it off, they throw the "You always think you're the center of attention" card in the mix. 


But I don't try to be. Does it happen? Yes. Because I just want to feel like I've accomplished something my family can be proud of. Because earning two years worth of free rides in college isn't enough. Because staying an extra year with 5, count them FIVE added certificates to my teaching degree, isn't enough. And because wanting someone to just for once say, "Hey. You've done great." is asking incredibly too much... I am not saying that as an I want that as a response to me drawing it out of them through listing all of the good things I've done, but because they are just naturally proud of me. After all, the only reason I spout off that list that I have worked so hard to create is for them to just be proud of me. That's it. To just believe in me. Treat me as if I'm not a failure. 


But instead, I get told to "Fuck off" and have the door slammed in my face. (Literally.)


It's no wonder I am such a wreck. It's no wonder I have these habits and days of just crying uncontrollably because I just can't relax. I just can't calm down. I just can't enjoy life. .Because if I am doing those things, I am not doing everything in my absolute power to make sure my list of accomplishments stays solid. Because if I am just holding my head high and resting in the peace that comes from knowing that I'm not so bad after all, then I am an instant from falling flat on my face in failure. 


I say all of that, but I just want to take a moment though to say this isn't just my family. And, in fact, there are soooo many people in my family who are incredible. That is why this entire process of coming to these realizations has been so difficult on me. Because it has brought out just how truly and deeply I love my family, and how vastly much I long for their approval, because they mean the absolute world and beyond to me. Because I just love them, and want them to be proud of me. 


But this whole lack of belief in myself also comes from the kids in middle school, too. The ones who called me "Moo Moo" and who stole my winter hat and spit in it before they threw it in the trash can. The principal and teachers who made me feel as though it was my fault for just not getting over it. 


From the high school teachers who never really expected much out of me anyway. 


From the church family members who only saw my mistakes, who labeled me, who pushed me aside, and eventually out of their doors. 


From the media. 


From Satan. 


From my own lies I have concocted over the years. 


This overwhelming pressure comes from so many places, that it hasn't been until recently that I have just been feeling like enough is enough. And whether that it was from my college professor who pulled me aside to tell me I was one of 4 students in the class he saw having the potential to do more, and who said "Don't stop," and who didn't look at me with  only a Bachelor's, but told me he saw me with a Master's and a PhD. 


Or whether it's been through the insane amount of closeness that has been developing between my mom and I as I savor these last precious months before I get married and move out of the nest for good. 


Or if it's been through the love of the most loving, wonderful, supporting, caring, understanding, and patient fiancé I could have ever dreamed of having. 


Or the actual answer, that God has orchestrated all of these events, including a loving and nurturing local church family, to come together at the same time, and to finally begin healing these wounds that are so deeply imbedded within me. 


Praise be to Jesus for long awaited healing. 


...I know this blog is lengthy. And, I actually picked up my computer to type up a blog about the wedding plans. But apparently, I just needed to get all of this off my chest instead.


So, just incase you are still reading, thank you. Because more than likely, you are someone who has loved me, encouraged me, believed in me, supported me, and has blessed me more than I will ever be able to describe to you in words. Through text messages, phone calls, emails, visits, and so much more, there are so many of you who have gotten me through the toughest times in my life, who have been the voice of encouragement in my ear, believing in me when I didn't believe in myself. I praise God that He blessed me with you on Earth to be a living reminder of the way He loves me, cares for me, and provides for me. 


So from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. And, I pray that He blesses you in return for the ways you have blessed me.

A Well Needed Break

Spring Break. Oh how the resonation of those words still have the ability to bring about a sense of calmness in my life.


Last week was incredible. Just the opportunity to not think about school was exactly what I needed. (Ok. I wasn't able to go the entire time without thinking of school, but for the most part I was successful.) The trip began Saturday night after work with Ray and I taking off to Chicago.


We arrived about 11:30ish to Lansing at the Sleep Inn hotel. (Ray's family is moving, so there isn't much room to crash amongst the boxes.) This was about halfway between the old house in Calumet and his new house in Chicago Heights. We spent most of the trip shuffling between the two.


Sunday morning we headed to his new house to pick up his little brother and take him to their Grandma Lorraine's house, nicknamed Mydear. (Pronounced My-Dear, so I am assuming it's spelled that way... We'll go with that.) Here I met his Aunt Tara, three of his little cousins, and his cousin Wayne. We visited for a while, then headed onto other adventures.


The next stop included hanging out with his high school best friend, Justin, Justin's fiancé, Bobbi Jo, and Ray's cousin Karl. Here I got to hear lots and LOTS of stories about Ray's high school days and watch him light up over the good times. Needless to say, my heart melted.

Meet some of the groomsmen! 

Later that night we drove up to the west side of Chicago to visit the infamous Malcolm. He is Ray's oldest brother, and I have been heavily warned about him and his quick wit. Luckily for me though, Malcolm got married last year, and thanks to his wonderful wife Mariah, and his daughter Mattison, he's much, much more easy going than Anthony led me to believe. (Anthony- Ray's brother who goes to SIU and who lives with him. AKA, the pest who tried to scare me out of meeting the family.) It was amazing spending time with them because I got to see a glimpse of what life will be like for Ray and I in the future. I'm not saying Ray is exactly like Malcolm, but there are some major, major, similarities in personalities. Mariah kept beaming and saying, "See what you've got to look forward to!"


It was that comment that changed my outlook for the trip entirely. What I have to look forward to, that I was getting to really see what my future was going to be like. I was spending time with the people who will be my new family, who are my new family. I was getting to know the people who will be in my life forever. And I realized at that moment that I wanted to soak up every minute of this trip.


Monday was our day to go to downtown Chicago. We took the L in from Malcolm's, walked around the city, went to Navy Pier, ate at Bubba Gump's, saw Grant Mitchell (a friend from down in the So Ill who happened to be at Navy Pier at the same time we were), rode the Farris wheel, and took in the beautiful weather around us. We then went back Malcolm's town and stopped in a Mexican ice cream shop and a bakery, which was an adventure all on it's own. The day was wonderful.

You'll have to ask me about the ice-cream trip.
It was quite an adventure.

Tuesday we didn't do much at all. Can you say fantastic? We spent the whole day just hanging out in the hotel, went to eat some tasty food, and went back to doing nothing. (Speaking of food, we did nothing but eat the most delicious and wonderful food the entire week. My midsection is paying for it now...) With both of our busy schedules, we never get days to do absolutely nothing, so we soaked up every minute of it. We then went and picked up his youngest brother Lelan. He is the one sibling Anthony had nothing to warn me about. In fact, he told me that he would be my favorite. After just a brief weekend with him, I can honestly say that I love this kid. He is funny, sweet, talented, smart, everything you could ever want in a little brother. Not that Anthony isn't any of those, he is. But if I start being nice to Ant now, then I am stuck doing it forever. (Can you tell just how much I love my in-laws?)

Me and Lee!

Later Tuesday night by meeting up with Ray's second-oldest brother, Lyiel. As long as things go according to plan, he will be the one officiating our ceremony. Family really means a lot to us, and I am excited to incorporate more of his family into our special day. (Also, Lyiel will hopefully be making a trip south very soon to baptize Ray. Yaaaay!)

Ray and Lyiel- Can you tell they are brothers?

We closed the evening by going back to his grandma's house. It turned out to be one of the highlights to the trip. Ray abandoned me in the kitchen as he went out to the garage. Thanks, baby, for being a typical man. This left me, his mom, his aunt, and his grandma. Nooooo pressure.


It was a blast. The laughing. The stories. The jabs at the new girl. (Thanks to Tara!) By the time Ray came back in, I honestly felt like I was part of the family.

Ray, Renae, Me, Tara, and Tiff

Wednesday our trip was dwindling down. We went to see his old house with his mom, and I got to take a trip down memory lane as all the stories Ray told about "home" came to life as we walked room to room. I was also given a huge bag of pictures to look at on our way to Mydear's house to say goodbye. This brought our trip to a bittersweet end as we gave hugs and prepared to leave.

Mom-in-Law, Me, and Ray

Another reason why visiting the in-laws is great
:) Isn't he adorable!!!

On the way home I was still processing everything. I can't believe how blessed I am with the family that I am joining. They are some of the most open, loving people I have ever met, and I enjoy the ease of being around them. They are people I know will take both me, and my mom, into their lives. (I look forward to toting my mom up north for holidays with both sides of the family. I mean what's going to be better than having both grandmas at the same time?)



Once we arrived back in Carbondale, I readied myself to head to the reading conference in Springfield. That deserves it's own post, so I will fast-forward to the return on Saturday night. Not wanting Spring Break to end, we immediately headed to Paducah as soon as I got back into Marion. (I have an insane love of Paducah, and if Ray happened to get a job there and want to move there, I would say yes in a heartbeat.) We stopped along the way in Metropolis to view Community Christian Church. I personally love this church, and even Ray said it was the first place where he could see us getting married. That, however, is a decision still yet to be made. We then went to a local coffee shop in Paducah, walked to the river, and enjoyed the beautiful weather. We spent a few hours just walking around as we waited to eat at a restaurant down one of the alleys. It was an absolutely perfect night and the best way to end our week.

Down by the river in Paducah

This break was so great for Ray and I. As most of you are aware, things have not been the smoothest on my end of the family. And some recent events have made it even more difficult. Being able to just spend time with Ray without life's daily distractions was exactly what I needed. I was able to just focus on him and the reasons why I am so incredibly in love with him. And I could stand knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is the man with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. This week solidified the fact that in a little over a year (424 days), Ray is going to be my husband. He is going to be the father to our babies. He is going to be the old man I sit on a porch with. He is going to be the love of my life forever. And that, ladies and gentlemen, made this Spring Break the most incredible week it could have been.

Anxious Is as Anxious Does.

Can I just say how not fun having anxiety is? To say it's pretty terrible is an understatement. In fact, some days it's utterly unbearable. Well, it isn't, because you are stuck having to bear it, but instead, it makes every other area of your life impossible to manage. It causes you to be unable to function. And for a girl with 7 classes, a job, a school in which I observe, and a fiancé, not functioning is not an option. Unlucky for me though, and those out there like me, I don't have a choice.

Which is why this week I faced my first complete and total breakdown of this semester.

It started slowly. Classes. Midterms. The realization that we still have no idea where Ray is going to be this May. Chris Lowery getting fired and being terrified that SIU Athletics will decide they don't need a student worker if there are no coaches which could leave Ray getting his current job cut. Getting engaged. Accepting the fact that I have truly lost my aunt and uncle from my life. Getting adjusted to a new apartment. Cutting my losses with the money I never got paid from past bills thanks to my old roommate. Trying to pick a venue for a wedding in order to get it booked. Coming up with a guest list that doesn't involve leaving people we love and care about out.

It just got to be too much.

Which is why the perpetual tears that have been rolling for the past two weeks turned into a massive hurricane and flood on Wednesday. I mean continual gut wrenching sobs for hours that just kept coming with every new thought that entered my mind. The idea that maybe I am not fit to be someone's wife, Ray's in particular. Especially when the idea of losing any part of my family still tears the center of my core apart.

But do you know what Ray did? He held me. For hours, and hours, he held me while I just sobbed.

And the next day when I burst into tears in the middle of the student center when I realized my book had gotten wet from the rain and simply because I couldn't take anything else? He held me.

Ray is incredible. My friends, like Courtney who is stuck having to see my breakdowns in person all the time, are incredible. My mom... words cannot describe that woman and all that she does and is for me.

But by Friday morning when I went in to take a make-up midterm that I couldn't take on Thursday due to the student center breakdown (Praise be to God for my professor and her understanding heart!), my head was clear. I felt fine. I went to my student-teaching interview following the exam perfectly ok. And I spent the rest of my day pretty much stress free. ...Well until I tried something to wear that night. But I think that's a battle I will just have to quit fighting.

Point is, anxiety is like a switch in me that I just can't control. It's as though suddenly my mind just can't process everything I need it to, and when I reach a certain point it just explodes, through tears and confusion and inconsolability for who knows how long. Then somehow, through God's grace and answered prayers, I'm fine. I'm functioning. Instead, I am just left looking back on the past few days wondering why I can't control my mind. Wondering what's wrong with me.

On the day Ray asked me out, I told him no. I informed him A. That I was tired of dating douchebags. And B. I knew I was crazy. (As confirmed by the aforementioned douchebags.) I told Ray that the last thing he needed or should want was someone as crazy as me. And believe me I. Am. Crazy.

Ray took my hands, looked into my eyes, and said, "You're not crazy. ...You're emotionally expressive."

And as I have proven him wrong time and time again, and as I have hit the point home through breakdowns such as the one I described here, Ray is still by my side.

Which is why I praise God. And I thank Him for these awful brain-breakdowns. Like the one I had today when I can't find pants to fit. (Ok, maybe not the same thing, but you get the picture.) I praise God for the ones I have had and will continue to have. Because in those moments, I am able to see just how much He has blessed me. How He has given me people in my life to be there, to love me, to support me, to care for me, to be patient with me until my mind comes off overload. I get to be loved by the people He placed in my life, like my mom (God bless that woman.), my friends, and my fiancé, who even though knows I can be nuts-o is willing to be the rock to which I cling in my moments that I feel like life is sweeping me away.

I am so thankful. And so blessed that God loves me that much, that He has given me people to carry me through while He works things out in my life, and that He can bring me a peace that nothing and no one else can. Because it's in the calm after the storm that I reminded that He works for the good of those who love Him; that He knows the plans He has for me, ones not to harm me but to prosper me, plans to bring me a hope and a future; that I can cast my cares on Him, for He cares for me; and that He loves me, oh, how He loves me.

A little family, a little bling. -The night of our engagement.

Ok, so I know I should be telling you the long sappy story about Ray's and my engagement, but there is a different story that needs to be told first in order to truly appreciate the way in which he proposed.

It begins with this guy.

Oh how we have both changed!

Well, it actually begins with Charles and Janet.

Here's the backstory: Uncle Chuck is my grandma's brother. He attended SIU back in the day... Like way back, back when there were buildings that aren't around anymore, and when the strip was still open on Halloween, and they had to use a chisel and stone, I mean pen and paper, to take notes. And upon landing a job in Carbondale, he ended up getting married and started a family. 

But, because of distance and schedules, I only saw his family a handful of times: Mule Day, weddings, funerals, and not much else. However, since I came to SIU, I am around them much, much more. I see them at sporting events,  we go out to eat, and even had Thanksgiving together. Which is part of the reason I love SIU, because come to school here has given me the opportunity to be close to a part of family that I hadn't really been before, and that meaning of opportunity is one that I cannot justifiably describe in a blog post.

But it's worth a shot. Uncle Chuck and Aunt Jan have been my life savers these first four years. They have  helped me to avoid terrible landlords, have told me who to call and where to go for lots of things, and even offered their home to me. This list can continue on forever because the amount that they do for me is honestly indescribable, and I am certain that there is NO way I could be making it through school without them. 

Uncle Chuck and Aunt Janet, thank you for all you do.

Then we have Jenny, who for some reason it took over two years of me being down here for us to actually hang out. But, we now have fairly regular dinner/movie nights though. That whole, you can talk to your friends about everything in your life, but your family just gets you in a way friends can't? Yeah, having Jenny around just to talk to about pretty much everything with is beyond awesome. That and knowing that our hangout nights include comfy sweats and often a chick flick :)

Yes, I creeped her Facebook for this picture.

And last, but not least we have the Davis family. I have to admit that despite my love of Uncle Chuck, Aunt Jan, and Jenny, most of my nights with my family are spent at the Davis home in their basement avoiding tornadoes, I mean, babysitting their children.

The three of us at their wedding.

You already met Avery. But here is a more recent picture:

Avery, AP, Big A, "Tink" 

There is also Aiden Oliver.

Aiden, AO, Little A, "Goose," or as I call him "Monster"

These two boys have an incredibly large place in my heart. I babysit them frequently and look forward to my nights with the A-Team. In fact, I would much, MUCH rather spend a Friday night tucking these two into bed than being around horribly obnoxious drunk college kids. Thankfully, I have a fiancé who feels the same way. Fiancé. ...Sorry just wanted to say it again. Anyway! Because I spend lots of nights at the Davis home, Ray has started to tag along on my babysitting adventures. He even did a solo gig a few weeks ago. (I think I was more terrified of what could happen than Patty was.) But my man pulled through and reminded me again of why I want to marry him. He is going to be a terrific dad someday.

I am straying from the main topic. Family. I love them. I love that on the night Ray asked me out in October, he went with me to babysit the boys. I love that in-between basketball practices and fraternity meetings Ray comes over when I am babysitting to see the boys. And I love that they seem to love him just as much. Especially Monster (Aiden), who absolutely adores Ray.

Which is why I adore that Ray makes an effort to be a part of my family and to include them in our life together. Like on the night he proposed to me.

AP had peed in the kitchen. Aiden had an explosive, nearly vomit-inducing diaper. And the rice we were eating for supper was burnt. But after a huge sigh of exhaustion, Ray handed me a piece of chocolate, and inside the wrapper was a beautiful, perfect ring.

Told you it was perfect.

I was crying so much that mascara was all down my face, and Avery was staring at me trying to figure out why I am acting so nuts-o. Ray looked lovingly at me and said, "I may never be able to take you around the world, and we may not get much farther than burnt rice in the kitchen with Aiden and Avery, but even with all the uncertainty of the future, I know I want you by my side. ...Will you marry me?"

So was the night of our proposal filled with a secret photographer, or a huge engagement party, or the use of the megatron at the SIU Arena (which I had reminded him was available for use during the game on Valentine's Day, and the day he would be center court for Senior Day...)? No. But, it was filled with seeing my cousins, Jenny, Patty, and Titi, Avery saying "Uh-oh" as he peed all over the kitchen floor, and Aiden screaming at the top of his lungs until Ray held him. It was filled with my fiancé sneaking behind my back to get to the Davis house early to let them know he was going to propose, and Avery acting really excited after I showed him my ring even though he had no clue what was really happening.

It was the perfect combination of my future husband including the one thing that means the world to me and one of the most memorable nights of our relationship, my family and our engagement.

And that, my friends, is why I said yes.

P.S. For more pictures from that night, check out Patty's blog here. 

Daily Bread- A Story of Transformation

I wanted to entitle this blog "When it rains, it pours. ...and then it floods." Because that is how it has been for Ray and I this semester. Day 1 of the semester, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, we had a crazy, absolutely insanely ridiculous mishap with his tire. This led to a bill of over $1500 getting his car fixed. (If you would like to know more, reconsider. You really don't. It was bad.)

Let's fast forward to week two of the semester. Roommate Hell. I mean knock-down drag-out, viciousness. (See previous Facebook statuses.) The storm has since calmed down some, but I am aware that there is a vicious festering rage that could cause Andi to explode at the unplugging of an extension cord or me to flip at the task of having to clean off my roommate's hair one more day. It's truly disgusting. I honestly wonder if she thinks there is a hair fairy in our apartment. God speed to her fiancé.

Anyway! Let's keep that roommate train rolling for a few weeks. Now throw in another car issue. The damage? About 1,000. And when I say about, I mean if Ray threw down another 50 cents, we would had hit four digits. Terrible.

Now in the mix of all of these things let's throw in work. Mix in a beyond generous helping of school and homework. And then top it off with the feeling of having the need to have a smile on your face when you walk into church. I know you don't need to, but when people ask "How are you doing?" You don't want to provide them with a lament.

It has been tough. So incredibly tough. But just when we felt like we had our feet out a semi-solid floor. Literally it felt like the whole earth got pulled out from underneath us.

Let me interject with something about Ray, and something about myself as well. I have always said that you can't truly love someone in a matter of weeks, and you sure as heck can't know he or she is the one in a matter of months. If you don't believe me, I can direct you to a friend of mine who I had been convinced she had no idea what she was doing until a month after she had been married. I now admit that I was wrong. Because I have learned, that when you know, you know.

Have Ray and I been together long? No. Have we had a lot of "life" to get through? We do now. But before I decided to make the commitment to date Ray I wanted to be certain that he was someone with whom I could potentially spend my life. And after much prayer, and lot's of thinking and considering, I realized that he someone like that. That's why we decided to officially date. Since then Ray and I have packed a heck of a lot of depth into our relationship. The number of "dates" we go on is actually quite small. Instead we fill our time with substance. We talk. We share. We grow. 


I am quite certain that anyone who knows me and is around me can attest to the fact that I am a different person after having Ray enter my life. He brings out the best in me. And I firmly believe that God put him in my life to be the one to coerce those characteristics to come out. I am happier. I am more confident. I am more patient. In loving Ray, and being loved by Ray, I have started to see those qualities described in Corinthians. And I can honestly say that had my heart and my life not been drastically changed my Jesus in these past few months. I would be making it through what Ray and I are facing right now. 

Back to the main topic.

Ray and I have considered the option of marriage for our future. ...Ok, we've more than considered. Either way, doors have been opening and options have been appearing that have screamed God's blessings. And in the midst of those rainy days and thunderstorms described above, we held onto the blessings that God was putting in our life. The main one? A job.

Ray had applied for a job a few weeks ago and had been given an offer. It could not have been more perfect. The town. The local church. Local friends. And the job itself was one in which he could use his management degree and continue in his love of basketball. We were in awe of God's blessings.

Now remember that earth shaking event I talked to you about earlier? Here it is. ...Ray didn't get that job. Not necessarily he didn't get that job, but there isn't a job to get due to funding. Talk about heartbreak. There is nothing worse than looking into the eyes of the man you want to spend the rest of your life with and see this light snuffed out as his dream just shattered on the floor.

To say yesterday was tough would be an understatement. It was beyond awful. But at that moment, I realized something. God had, and has, a plan for us. Now the old Stephanie would have instantly looked at this as a "Ray and I aren't meant to be together. This is terrible. Life is going to end. Woe is us" moment. Instead, I clung to the things that God has been doing in my life. That He works for the good of those who love Him. That He isn't going to give his daughter a serpent. (See this post for more information on that realization in my life.)

I found myself remembering the words to the Lord's prayer that Ray and I prayed on Monday night. "Our Father, who art in heaven, Hallowed be Thy name! Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread."  And it hit me. We prayed, earnestly prayed for God's will to be done, and for Him to bless us with daily bread. Key word: Daily. We didn't pray for God to take care of tomorrow, next week, next year, or our life until retirement. We prayed for today. We asked God to give us the sustenance for today because that is how Jesus teaches us to pray.

I would love to say suddenly, but slowly, and repetitively throughout the day I was reminded with that, and  I found myself clinging to the promises that God has given us, that He will take care of us. And in the midst of my tears and worry, I thanked God. I praised Him for giving us those rainy days and thunderstorms before we hit the flood. Because for the past month, finances have been a key part of Ray and my relationship. We have talked about what happens in job loss, how do we want to plan for retirement, what about savings, giving up the luxury of eating out for Lent, and trusting in God as our provider, not Ray. God has clearly orchestrated a path for us to make it up this mountain slowly and surely by giving us the strength we've needed along the way. And because of that I praise Him. I praise Him for His faithfulness, His love, His mercy, His grace, and His promises. I praise Him for the gifts He gives us, and I cling to the promise of His rainbow that is going to come at the end of this flood. Because Oh what a glorious shining moment that will be!!!

This is not the end for us. This is a mountain that I am thankful we get to climb together before we get married. That we have the blessing and security that comes from parents and secure-ish jobs. We have health insurance. We have apartments. We have freezers full of food. We have our daily bread. And we'll have tomorrow's bread, as well. And every day, God is going to keep giving us that daily amount to not only sustain, but bless us. Because He works for the good of those who love Him, and we are trusting that His will is better than ours.

As for the future? Who knows. This could be an opportunity for Ray to work at a business that would provide us with more income that the job he had hoped for, thus helping us to get started on a more steady financial foot. Ray still might be able to volunteer with the basketball team at that place. It could be his service, and he would be able to do something he loves. That could easily be a door that God could open in the future. But until then, we are living today. We are praising today. And we are thanking God for the bread He has given us today. We'll let tomorrow worry about tomorrow. (Matthew 6:34)