I listen to a lot of podcasts. In fact, I listen to so many I deleted almost all of the music on my itunes so I could have room for them all.
But out of all of the podcasts I listen to, my favorite has to be Sarah Bagley's Living a B+ Life. The truth she speaks floods over me every time I listen to it. (And for me to say it's my favorite, that means it is really, really good. Because I listen to some awesome podcasts.)
Every week I reevaluate my drive for perfectionism. My desire to have this perfect, clean apartment, to have my classroom organized and lessons executed perfectly, to have a son who is always happy and never cries, a husband who never has to lift a finger when he's home, and the perfect Pinterest crafts that I complete during my son's three-hour naps that happen every Saturday, and a prayer journal that has pages full of my countless hours in the word.
But you know what?
My life isn't perfect.
And I'm not perfect.
And my home is a mess most days, and with 27 non-English speaking students I often run around like a crazy lady, and my son cries A LOT, and my husband does most of the laundry, and I have yet to finish any of the crafts I so desperately want to complete, and the fact that I have been doing a devotion every morning for the past week and a half is a HUGE step for me
But the Lord must really be trying to teach me something; because every week I tune in, I am reminded how I am still striving for the perfect life.
Something my husband said this past week over a breakfast date has really been burned into my brain. After telling him about something I had read on one of the numerous blogs I follow, he responded with, "I want you to know that it's ok that you aren't like those women on your blogs, or podcasts, or on Pinterest. I didn't marry those people. I married you. You're the person I want. Not them."
It was as though my husband was looking into my soul and could see how much I was struggling.
Because with every podcast I have been listening to and every blog I had been reading I could feel myself getting more and more lost.
Who am I? What am I doing? Why am I not creating awesome things like these women? Why am I not able to work and home and make money from writing? How can I make myself into a brand that other people would want to read my stuff and listen to me speak? How can I be just like these women I listen to/read about.
Here I am listening to a podcast on giving up your perfectionist ideals and embracing the life you have WISHING I could have/be/do something else because who I am and what I'm doing is not adequate enough, not perfect enough!
What a long road of redemption I have ahead of me.
My prayer as we wrap up this year and enter into 2015 is that God continues to transform my heart. Praise Him for not giving up on me so far and for weekly reminding me where my adequacy comes from. That it isn't in perfect instagram pictures or a Pinterest-perfect life, but rather in His acceptance of my B+ performance and the grace He covers me in.