Instead of crying because God is blessing me so much, I was crying because God is blessing me so much. The difference? Me. And my worthiness of His blessings. Those of you who know me well are aware that I have always struggled with my worth and value in this world. But I've always known and understood that despite the world, God still finds me worthy. He still finds me as a beautiful soul. He still longs to bless me as His daughter. However, this is still an idea that I struggle with. Like this morning.
Quick backtrack. Since August of my junior year when I started observing at Benton, I set my sights on moving there. There is a teaching position opening up in May of 2013, and the honest to goodness reason why I decided to add all of those endorsements to my degree and stay an extra year in school was so I would have the best chance of getting hired there. I love the area. I would be close to camp, so I could retain my summer job. I have a church family that I love in West Frankfort. And friends who are married and settled down right around there. Benton/West Frankfort became my ideal, this is what I want, please God place me in Benton dream.
How does this tie into today? Well it has to do with my last post. Ray. As I mentioned before, those of you who know me also know my struggle in feeling worthy. God has blessed me so incredibly much by placing Ray in my life. He is everything I could have ever needed, ever wanted, in a husband and a father to my future children. He loves me, cares for me, and will provide, and protect me. He sees me as a bride in Christ, and will do all that he can to love me as Jesus does. Even my mom has said, he is everything she ever prayed for in the man who would marry me someday.
The problem? Well there isn't one. In fact nothing but great things have been happening in the world of Ray and I. He's recently been offered a job. The location? West Frankfort. He has decided he wants to be baptized, and is highly considering transferring to West Frankfort Christian Church, the church I mentioned above. He has the full intention of moving there, saving all year, and beginning to prepare for our life together. I know this because on the morning of his interview he told me this was the first step of starting our future.
So in summary, I found a man I would easily marry without thinking twice. He is moving to the same area that I have planned and longed to move. He is deciding to go to the same church where I want to attend. It seems perfect. Too perfect.
I am laying in bed crying this morning thinking maybe I should just end it with Ray now, because that will save me the hurt later. This entire situation, this entire dream, it can't be coming true. It's just the world's mean trick to get my hopes up just to make them crash into the burn. The worst is always yet to come. There is always a dark cloud for every silver lining. Why enjoy and revel in this goodness I am surrounded by only to have it taken away when I get my hopes buried into the idea that my future really could be this blessed.
It was at this point that I was reminded of the verses in Luke 11.
"9So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 10 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
11 “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for[f] a fish, will give him a snake instead? 12 Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? 13 If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”
It's as if I am expecting that in asking God to take care of my future, I am saying, "Here's my future. Just give me the serpent and let's get this over with." I like I am expecting the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Alpha and Omega, all merciful and loving God to look at me and say, "I am going to take your future and give you less than you deserve. (Because you really don't deserve anything...) I am going to bless you, but only to a certain amount. I plan on lavishing you with gifts, but only mediocre ones."
I began praying that God would just take care of me, and to please not let me and my lack of believing in my self-worth to get in the way of His plan. I'll have to see where that takes me...