If only, if only...

Originally this blog was going to be used as a description of the items I accomplished from my countdown. Sadly though, I am tanking. Trying to find time for any of these items is impossible. I am hoping though that once school starts, I can make time for, well, myself. This summer is beyond busy. I didn't realize how much work two summer classes would be on top of working at camp full time and at 710 on Saturdays. Say hello to the girl who bit off more than she can chew. I feel like I am a continual step behind in my classes. Even though I turn in my assignments on time, I am under constant pressure. The reason is all my fault. This I know. Because in my free time all I want to do is anything besides school.

I had such high ambitions for "seizing the day." I look at some of my friends with such jealousy. They experience life the moment they are living in it. I, on the other hand, am constantly filling my moments with stuff without regard to the days, weeks, and now month that has passed by me. Not that I think of camp as "stuff" or devalue my education; I just wish I would spend more time enjoying the sun, heck even the rain.

Last week's church camp theme was fear. I've realized this week upon staring at the mound of homework awaiting me that there has to be a reason why I never take a break. Is it because the work and school work needs to be done so I can graduate? Yes, but that's not truly it. Homework, school, work, they can all serve a shield. It gives me an excuse to put life on the back burner. I never have to worry about not fitting in. I never have to be concerned with how I look. I never have to fret over if the people I'm hanging out with like me, or if they are just obligated to spend time with me. I can just say "Oh, I have homework..." check into my sweatpants and hit the books. And for some reason, it never occurred to me that in doing so, I'm checking out on life.

I miss it. I miss laughing. I miss singing. I miss running through the puddles barefoot at camp after it rains and they are warm from the sun. I miss experiencing all of the small things life has to offer. I miss the big things too. Due to unfortunate circumstances, it looks like Ireland may not happen. Instead of buying a ticket and heading out myself, of organizing a mission trip to Kenya to see Tim and Elizabeth (the charity I'm donating to: Checklist #3), instead of going, I'm staying. I'm saving my money. I'm going to be responsible.

What is it about living life that makes us think it's irresponsible? What it is about storing up all our grain even though we aren't promised to ever be here to use it. Instead of taking that grain and making one heck of a loaf of bread now, slathering on some apple butter, and chowing down, we grab a salad from McDonald's and dream about how awesome that bread is going to taste...someday.

This blog isn't supposed to be a lament. I just wish living in the moment was easier. I wish I wasn't so afraid to embrace life. To live, and love, fearlessly. But instead I'm just a wolf crying, "If only, if only..."

“If only, if only, the woodpecker sighs, The bark on the tree was as soft as the skies. The wolf waits below, hungry and lonely, and cries to the moon, if only, if only.”